The Things I'm Afraid Of

First, the thrillingly happy part: my husband and I are expecting. We’re over the moon. We can’t believe our luck! If you are trying, know that it can happen - even at 38 with discouraging numbers and a challenging health diagnosis. Most of all we can’t wait to meet this little person. It feels like the greatest upcoming joy at the end of a long road.

Our IVF journey started a year ago, though in truth I began preparing much earlier when I froze my eggs at 33. Since then it’s been egg retrievals, multiple IVF rounds, and even an endometriosis excision surgery. The road here hasn’t been short or straight. Which is why we feel so blessed that our very first transfer worked. We don’t have a ton of embryos, so there is so much to be thankful for.

I’ve shared little bits about my pregnancy on social, but I haven’t written about it here yet. Making short videos feels easy — quick moments, surface-level snapshots. Writing, though, requires going deeper inward. It asks me to sit with myself and name the things I might otherwise keep quiet. And until now, I didn’t know how to start.

But lately, what’s been bubbling up are the fears — big and small — that come with pregnancy. And I think it’s time I put them into words.

Everyone’s fears in pregnancy are different. What feels tiny to me might feel major to someone else, and what feels terrifying to me might not even register for another mom-to-be. But they’re all valid. So here are mine.

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Fear #1: My Changing Body

Let’s just get right into it: I was really scared of my body changing sizes. I’m halfway through pregnancy and I’ve already gained 30 pounds — half of that in the first 8 weeks thanks to the delightful hormone cocktail of IVF. (Nothing like doubling your weight gain speed before you’ve even had your first ultrasound picture for the fridge.)

People on Instagram and TikTok are thanking me for displaying a “healthy” pregnancy body instead of a skinny one. Sure thing, but I’ve discovered that to a certain degree I’m not really in charge of what’s going on right now. I’m eating healthy, walking miles every day, and the number on the scale keeps going up anyway.

It was a shock at first. I’m learning to be softer with myself now. My body is doing a big, miraculous job. But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes stare at my closet and think: who is she?

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Fear #2: Stretch Marks & Skin

Is this the most “basic” of fears? Maybe. But listen: I’ve worked hard for this skin barrier, and I’d prefer it stays intact.

Right now I’m on a full-blown stretch-mark prevention ritual: OSEA’s Undaria Body Lotion layered with the Undaria Body Oil on belly, breasts, thighs … all the hot spots. It’s grounding, it smells like a spa, and it makes me feel like at least I’m doing something while my body does everything else.

And because I’m me, here’s the hack: OSEA is running a Labor Day promo: spend $125 and you get a free $45 full-size Salts of the Earth Body Scrub. My trick? Buy the Undaria Body Collection (which gets you right over the threshold) and boom, free scrub. It’s like a baby shower gift… for your pre-baby self.

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Fear #3: Prenatal Depression

Here’s something nobody warned me about: prenatal depression. For a couple of weeks early on, I felt like a stranger in my own body. I was sick every single day, my hormones were on a rollercoaster, and I couldn’t summon joy no matter how much I wanted to. We hear so much about postpartum depression, but almost nothing about what can happen duringpregnancy itself.

That fear hasn’t fully left me. What if it comes back in my third trimester? What if I suffer from depression after the baby is born? It’s the fear of not being able to control my mind when my body is already working so hard.

For now, I’m okay. But it’s something I keep tucked in the back of my head.

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Fear #4: Being Crushed

Okay, so this one is irrational. I sometimes have dreams where I’m being crushed my my organs and baby. Like, literally pancaked. (Freud would have a field day.) In real life, I already get short of breath thanks to the baby pressing on my lungs, so the dream feels extra unfair. But still probably not high on the list of “actual medical risks.”

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Fear #5: Childbirth (Sort Of)

Here’s the twist: I’m not afraid of vaginal childbirth. Bring it on. What does scare me? The audible. The sudden pivot to an emergency c-section. The idea of my birth moment turning into an unplanned surgery where our baby and I are both at serious risk gives me chills. I don’t even want to imagine how my husband would feel in this scenario.

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Fear #6: Health (Maybe Irrational)

Every time I step on the scale and I see the number a smidge higher, a little voice whispers: What if it’s gestational diabetes? My doctors aren’t worried, but that doesn’t stop my brain from spiraling. It’s the quiet “what ifs” that sneak up on me most.

I feel confident in baby’s health so far, which is why it hasn’t been mentioned as a particular fear. I’ve done a lot of work learning to manage my anxiety over the past few years and worrying about baby’s health when I have only good data so far is the one thing I told myself I truly have to take to heart as a driver of calm vs “what if” thinking. I can worry about other things here and there but I can’t worry about baby right now, because doing anxiety thinking about that would cause a true spiral. True spiral could in fact be not so great for baby’s health.

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The Point

Pregnancy isn’t just about growing a baby. It’s about learning to live with a constantly shifting mix of concern and discomfort, both rational and irrational. It’s probably hard as a natural way of preparing you for parenthood. Some I can soothe with rituals (thank you, OSEA), some I can laugh at (being crushed by… what exactly?), and some I’ll probably carry with me until delivery.

But maybe writing them down here makes them a little lighter.

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What about you? If you’ve been through pregnancy, what were your fears big or small? Did they turn out to be what you expected, or did new ones show up along the way?

Talk soon,
Lo

P.S. Don’t miss the OSEA deal this weekend. Their Undaria Body Collection is my stretch mark routine — and with the free scrub, it feels like a little love note to your future self. Thanks to OSEA for sponsoring today’s post!